Trying to Cope With the Pain

I could say that I am okay and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. But who would I be fooling?

Myself, the reader, myself. I think I would only be fooling myself and the few who take me at face

value. December 20, 2012, my nephews just went back to their mother, my husband and I have been their

caregivers for 6 months. The only reason my sister cam to retrieve her children were because tax time was

closely approaching and she did not want anyone else to claim her children, after all she does not have a high

school diploma nor a job. So tax time is her big bonus for a whole year of doing nothing which would

probably only last her 4 months. But this not about her, this is about me and my grieving process.

I just kissed my nephews goodbye and told them ,”I will always love them, but you will never see me

again and if they do I will be old and gray. “They took the news pretty well considering they are all under the

age of 9. I got in my car drove away and I didn’t even look back. I decided to run some errands and get some

Personal products from the local dollar store. I picked up toothpaste, deodorant, some cleaning products,

Bubble bath, candles, and three pregnancy test. I really cannot say why I picked up the pregnancy test, except

for The dream I had earlier that week about me being pregnant with twins. I paid for my items, went home,

drew Me a bath and decided to take this pregnancy test.

I was thinking in the back of my mind this test will be Negative like all the others I had previously

taken over the years. My husband and I have been married for 5 Years and I had not once conceived, I

believed I was barren, not fit to be a mother of some innocent child that needed guiding in this strange thing

we call life. I followed the instructions on the box and waited for the results, 5 minutes later there appeared in

The little window not one but two pink lines. I was instantly excited, I didn’t believe the results so I took

Another and their appeared again was two pink lines. I was pregnant, I really was pregnant, I took a picture of

The test and texted my husband with the caption, “Your going to be a father”, he instantly called me back and

Said, “he would be home as soon as he could”. Once he made it home he asked to see the test up close and

When he saw the two lines he was instantly excited. The emotions I felt at that time could not have been

expressed in words. I was finally getting to have my own child, something with my twenty-three

chromosomes and hopefully my good looks.

I called and made an appointment that same day with my doctor for that Monday and I could not wait,

I went to the doctor and she confirmed what I knew I was pregnant, she gave me a list of medicines I could

And could not take, also samples of prenatal vitamins. While all this was going on I was not paying attention,

Due to a state of shock, my husband was very attentive to everything the doctor said. Once we made it to the

Car, I cried just a little out of sheer happiness. We decided to wait until Christmas to tell everyone, but I

Couldn’t wait that long, I went to Wal-Mart and brought a “Baby on Board” sticker for my mother as an early

Christmas gift. She opened the bag and she was already knew I was pregnant, she didn’t look to happy. Maybe

Because I just graduated with my first degree and she was hoping I would get a job. Who knows and who

Cares I was pregnant. All of my doctor visits were normal, I received an ultrasound of our little cheerio inside.

January 19, 2013, 3:45 A.M, I was awaken by a wet feeling in the bed. I am thinking I am too old to be peeing on myself, I walk on to the bathroom and

when I turned on the Light, blood and lots of it. I was bleeding excessively, I cleaned myself best as possible and went an woke my husband.

He remained calm and got me to the hospital, we waited for an hour in that waiting room, while I waited I already knew I was miscarring because I was still

Bleeding excessively, I prayed that I wasn’t but I am a relist. When they finally got me back, they hooked me to an IV and told me that, “the doctor would come

In as soon as he could”. I had not called any of my family at this time, I just wanted the bleeding to stop, my baby to be okay and my husband to comfort me.

After some test an a ultrasound, they had alerted me I was having a miscarriage. Well no shit was what I wanted to say, but I did not I just began to cry and the tears just

Streamed down my face. My husband holding my hand the entire time. They gave me morphine to help with the physical pain, there was nothing they could

Give me for the mental pain.

Me and my husband stayed in that hospital for 6 hours and he helped me more that day then he has ever in the past. He helped me clean up all the blood, he held

My hand, he told me, “It was okay we will make it through this together”. While I was in the hospital my mother called and my husband explained everything

To her. I was finally discharged we made it home and my husband bathed me, even with all the blood he took good care of me.

Every story has a villain and in this one is my mother. As I laid in my bed and the depression sinks in, my mother comes stomping in through the door and boy was she pissed

She was upset that I did not wake her up and tell her that I was bleeding and on my way to the emergency room. To me I did the right thing and went to the hospital, but not in

Her eyes, I was wrong and I don’t care about her and the way she felt. I cried harder and did not pay her any attention.

There is more to come, I just need to take a break right now I am becoming very emotional.

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