WHY ME? WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?

girl-hurt-life-black-and-white-true-Favim_com-545566

Why couldn’t’ t this be me? I am married and in a committed relationship and has been for 9 years. I am normally happy for people that have something great happen in their life. But for some strange reason I am not the least bit excited sad, pissed, angry and jealous. This is not like me, it is not like I am in love with the guy who got the girl pregnant. Even if he did admit to me in the past he has feelings for me and I was supposed to marry him. But, this is not why I am upset. Him and I would have never worked in my opinion.

I am mad because I was supposed to be having a baby. I know that I am not financially sound, but if I would have not had that miscarriage in January, I would not feel this way. I just want back what was taken from me; which, is the chance at being a mother. So many
People tell me enjoy this time, you are at the best time of your life and I look around and be like what the fuck ever. I do not have anything to miss right now. Unless someone want to give me a never ending bank account.
I am use to having children I been raising my nephews for 9 years off and on and now they are finally out of my life, I feel this huge void and it hurts. My husband also love children and it hurts his heart when he see people who do not want their children. Like my sister with 5 beautiful boys that she only wants for the government assistance. I could give them all the love in the world and break my neck trying to provide, because I know the responsibilities that come with a child.

I always hear people say, when the time is right you will have one but, they do not feel the pain I feel. They do not know about the void I have in my life. I feel as if I am not worthy of being a mother. What makes me so bad that I cannot have a child of my own. Do the universe feel that I would be that bad of mother it is enabling me from conceiving and bearing another human being.

What is wrong with me? What is wrong with me?
I know for a fact my husband and I have tried for years and guess what. I only conceived once in a 2 year time and I lost that baby. I was content before the miscarriage of waiting to have kids but the emotion flooded back in Post-miscarriage. I am just really angry and jealous and like I said I do not normally have those emotions. But, right now I am enraged at the world.
What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I forced to feel this pain? Why can’t I be a mother?
Will I fuck a child up that bad?

I am tired of shit being taken from me and I do not think I can take it any longer.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: