I Realized

I believed I was going crazy, is crazy/insane but this conversation changed all that.
One day recently my mother and I had words and I finally told her that: “We have nothing in common; You never tried to understand me; You act like I am the worse child every born to this planet; and all the shit you brought me did not make up for the lack of emotional support and understanding I longed for.” It felt really good that day to just let it all out. That same week my so called friend stops talking to me because I told her that I could not do something for her.
Back to my mother, I felt like my whole life was a mistake and that I needed some kind of
Counseling to help overcome all these emotions I feel on a daily basis. I was constantly telling myself that I need some Xanax or Prozac just to be okay in society. But that day when I told my mother how I felt about everything and that she was wrong for putting her own emotions in a crisis that was only meant for my husband and I, I started breathing for the first time in years. She even mentioned more than once I needed to seek counseling during this conversation and I thought back to when I was pregnant and she told me, “I should get help before the baby born, so I will not pass on my fucked ways on to my child”. At that moment something clicked in me and I looked at her with tears rolling down my face and realized I am not the messed up one…..She is!
Looking into her hazel eyes I seen a sad, lonely, insecure, over emotional, lost, scared, woman
Who does not know how to properly love someone without materials and money! And it is very sad to say this made me feel real good. Knowing that I am not crazy, just a product of my environment. At that point I realized I have something that she does not have. A wonderful loving husband, the ability, the intelligence, and the drive to be anything I want to be in this crazy, beautiful, yet really fucked up world. I know I should not feel that way about another human being, you know the whole I am better than you thing, so I will just call it, I have a little more advantage over a situation than she does.
My whole life I dealt with the cheating father, the mother who does not truly love what I have
Become, because I am not the image she imagined when I was a baby. I had the anger towards my husband believing that I am not meant to be loved because I am fucked up beyond repair. I even thought that I would be the worse mother in the world, because I had some many trust and security issues stemming from when my mother listened to other tell lies about me and believed them. But, that day everything became crystal clear, I seen the world in a whole new light. I see the truth.
I see that my mother has projected her issues on to me for years and I have finally decided these are not my issues. These are hers and it is time that she has to carry her own. I will no longer be her pin cushion or her scape goat. I am Girl Jones a great wife, great friend, great student, great daughter (to my father at least) and one day I will be a great mother. And I will not cast all my insecurities on to my child. I am here to guide them down the crazy road of life and not trip them the fuck up along the way.

not crazy<



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