Dear John

How do I tell him I lied and lied a thousand more times? How do I tell him I feel as if I am bucket with a hole in it? That the things that used to make me laugh now angers me and the smiles are fake as a $3 bill. What if it is not him but me? All me and selfish, just full of myself, full of myself as a pig with an endless food bowl. I wonder if he notices the absent stares and the awkward pauses in conversation. Could this be because of the accident? Or have I been feeling this way for so long and it is now finally coming to light. How do I tell him I am leaving and that it is over, never look for me again because I cannot drag you through my own personal hell, to get to the light at the end of the tunnel. But am I being honest? Am I really leaving to be by myself or is there someone waiting for me when I leave? Does he deserve the right to know? There may or may not be another person waiting with their hands out wide and ready to accept me, all of me every inch of me, the really selfish and insecure me. Someone who buys flowers because it is Thursday; take me to dinner every Tuesday, dance with me under the moonlight on Fridays; attend church with me on Sunday; scratch my scalp on Wednesday; feed me chocolate covered strawberries on Monday and treats me to a massage every Saturday. They plan something every week, never a dull moment. At night when we lie in the bed they ask me what is my new hope and fear and what do I hope to accomplish in the next 6 months. They want to know the inner workings of me, selfish ole insecure me. Do I tell my current partner that I am leaving to be alone or lead them with another lie???? Or do I just be honest and tell him I am already GONE!!!!!!!!!


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