I have been with my husband for 8 years and we have been married for 3. All the times I have made my husband mad, he has never physically retaliated against me. He normally punches the wall or throws something. But yesterday was something different, something I never expected, something a little freighting. When my husband chews gum he smacks with his mouth open and everything and he knows that aggravates me. Well yesterday I told him to spit the gum out because he was all in my ear and that shit was just annoying. He did not spit the gum out the first, second or third time like I requested him to. In between him coming in out of the room he was trying to fix our rear view mirror, because in this Alabama humid summer heat, the mirror had fallen. He was already aggravated plus he was running a little late leaving for school, he came to kiss me goodbye, like normal, when he came to me I told him to spit the gum out and he did, right at me and that shocked the shit out of me.
Because he has a strong belief in not spiting on people, but he did it, he didn’t just spit saliva he spit his gum which was what I asked him to do. But, he did it with so much anger and attitude. I do not blame him for what he did. I provoked him and he was already pissed. All the times I have made him mad he never did anything like that and now I am worried he might snap. In the past I never thought he would snap on me, but with my constant nagging I see I was wrong. I am not afraid of him, but I am afraid what he may do. Because if he does hit me, I can honestly say I would be confused whether to stay or leave. It would be the first time he hits me and if he promises he will never do it again I can probably believe him, but everything and everyone has a breaking point.
I grew up with domestic violence, my father only hit my mother once and he did bang her up pretty bad, he never did it again and they remained together for the next 6 years. My uncle has a temper but I never seen him hit a woman I have only heard a story of when he choked his sister. But I think the icing on the was my mother’s second marriage, he came in all nice and loving but roughly 2 years into that relationship he began to hit my mother. I never understood why she stayed or put up with it. I remember one night I was awakened out my sleep by her and him fighting and mind you my room was 3 rooms away from hers. But when I really lost respect for her was when she still remained with the man that caused her to hurt. When she brought a new Chevrolet Avalanche and she just had rims installed that day and that night they decided to go to the movies and see the new Tyler Perry movie, Madea’s Family Reunion.
He was pissed all night and when the movie was over we all went home and that’s when he started the shit when I say shit I mean arguing as soon as we made it to the driveway, he was in damn combat mode. Knew it was about to get physical, he wanted my mother to get in the car with him so they go for a ride and talk about things. She refused and he was getting pissed by the moment, I had enough and I was about to try and break this shit up, he came in the house by my bed room and tried to corner me, I was very afraid of what he might try and do, so I grab the phone and shot out the door. I called the police and while I was on the phone with them he was starting to pursue me which caused me to run in the street. They came and escorted him from the premises, I went in my room and retired for the night, when I woke up the next morning thinking this reign of domestic violence was finally over, he was in her room in the bed with her. I just seen my mother in another light, she was supposed to be this strong, independent warrior woman; but, she stayed and let him hit her. This caused me to lose the respect I did have for her. This lasted for about 2 more years before they divorced, a time before that he punched, hit or slapped her while she was sleep dragged her out the bad and this caused her to have permanent Vertigo. He would had to leave my house that fucking night, but I am not her.
I know I was young and I didn’t understand the dynamics of a marriage, but I do know not to let a man pound on me. Now that I am married and he has not hit me, but I know he is capable I am a little confused on what to do if he does raise his fist to me. I know I cannot just go on the fact he is capable, that is like I am capable of setting myself on fire, but that doesn’t mean I will do It. I am just very confused about all of this, but I have promised myself I will stop nagging because I did provoke him and it is my entire fault, he spit the gum at me with so much force.
According to domesticviolencestatisctics.org, “Studies suggest that up to 10 million children witness some form of domestic violence annually.” This is big number, I remember watching as my mom went through her relationship I promised myself that I will never be in one and now I am afraid that mine could turn into one. He says he is sorry and he has reassured me that he will never hit me but I am afraid he might lose it one day and his fist finds my face. His father does not believe in hitting women, so I know if he did hit me his father would step in and intervene. But the real question is, “WILL I HAVE THE STRNEGTH, THE COURAGE, and THE VOICE TO CALL AND TELL”?
In the US: call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE).
Signs of Domestic Abuse
Does your partner:
• Embarrass you with put-downs?
• Look at you or act in ways that scare you?
• Control what you do, who you see or talk to, or where you go?
• Stop you from seeing your friends or family members?
• Take your money or paycheck, make you ask for money, or refuse to give you money?
• Make all of the decisions?
• Tell you that you’re a bad parent or threaten to take away or hurt your children?
• Threaten to commit suicide?
• Prevent you from working or going to school?
• Act like the abuse is no big deal or is your fault, or even deny doing it?
• Destroy your property or threaten to kill your pets?
• Intimidate you with guns, knives, or other weapons?
• Shove you, slap you, choke you, or hit you?
• Threaten to kill you?
If any of these things are happening, you need to seek help. It’s important to know that you are not alone. The way your partner acts is not your fault. Help is available.
Signs that someone you know is being abused
Do you have a friend, coworker, relative, or neighbor who you think may be in an abusive relationship?
Signs to watch for:
• Bruises or injuries that look like they came from choking, punching, or being thrown down. Black eyes, red or purple marks at the neck, and sprained wrists are common injuries in violent relationships. An injury such as bruised arms might suggest that a victim tried to defend herself or himself.
• Attempting to hide bruises with makeup or clothing
• Making excuses like tripping or being accident-prone or clumsy. Often the seriousness of the injury does not match up with the explanation.
• Having few close friends and being isolated from relatives and coworkers and kept from making friends
• Having to ask permission to meet, talk with, or do things with other people
• Having little money available; may not have credit cards or even a car
Other warning signs:
• Having low self-esteem; being extremely apologetic and meek
• Referring to the partner’s temper but not disclosing the extent of the abuse
• Having a drug or alcohol abuse problem
• Having symptoms of depression, such as sadness or hopelessness, or loss of interest in daily activities
• Talking about suicide or attempting suicide. For more information, see warning signs of suicide. Encourage this person to talk with a health professional.
Be supportive, and let your friend know that you are there to listen and help.
DON’T BE A VICTIM REACH OUT FOR HELP
In the US: call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE).
The Proverbial Light Behind Closed Doors. 
You are a strong woman to share your stories to help others in a similar situation or those who are not aware. In my opinion, with your husband, that is a warning sign for you. I only say this in relation to my ex husband. He said he never hit a woman and when we would argue over something, he would get so mad, he would punch holes in the wall. The red flag for me should have been the time that he “hemmed” me up against the wall (because he put his hands against me). It did not take long before he lost it and reacted so quickly and punched me in my face. I lied to my job to cover up for him, but looking back, that is what most of us “victims” do. About 7 years after we split, I met up with him and we discussed that incident. Yes, we were young when we married, but he made the comment, “At the time I was angry with you, I clinched my fist and felt blood racing through me and it was almost like an out of body experience. I had no intentions on hitting you. I was scared after it actually happened.” Regardless of what a man goes through, whether they are the sweetest man….or not….if an anger issue is not addressed early in the relationship, it will continue and more than likely grow. I pray this is not the case in your marriage. We definitely need to be cautious of the “signs”.
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